Trust Me (Finding my way) Page 8

  “I would gladly take a beating everyday for the rest of my life and not cry, cower away from it, or attempt to fight back. Simply because if it’s happening to me and he’s doing it to me, he isn’t doing it to someone else. I can handle it and live through the pain; another girl might not be able to. I can’t stop what’s happening and save my life, but I can save someone else’s. So please, I am begging you Tucker, don’t try to change the way it was supposed to be,” I beg him quietly.

  “A man does this to you?” he asks menacingly quiet.

  “My step dad; today it was my mom though. It’s been going on for eight years tomorrow,” I shrug trying not to remember my thirteenth birthday. “It’s too late to change anything now,” I sigh now that the memories are pushed back.

  “Does anyone else know about this?”

  “Sophie, Matt, and Luke are the only ones; and now, you”

  “They know and they haven’t done anything?”

  “I told you, there’s nothing that can be done.”

  “Brooke, you don’t have to go through this alone. Talk to Sophie, she loves you,” he says softly.

  I lay back on the bed and close my eyes “The saddest thing is, there are a so many people in my life that claim to love me but how can any of them mean it when none of them completely know me?” I ask sadly, realising how alone I truly am in this world. I feel the bed dip when Tucker lies down next to me and wraps his arms around me.

  “I’ll stay with you every night if it means that you don’t have to live through whatever keeps you awake at night,” he tells me and kisses my forehead.

  “I’m glad I met you,” I curl myself deeper into him.

  “Me too,” he pulls me closer.

  We both jump up off the bed when the door bursts open.

  “Oops, sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Beth smirks at us before she closes the door again.

  “Promise me you won’t tell anyone anything that I’ve told you tonight?” I ask and search his eyes.

  “I promise,” he smiles at me and I can see the determination in his eyes, but see no sign of a lie.

  “I suppose I better go talk to Sophie,” I sigh, standing up and straightening my top and jacket.

  “Yeah, do you want me to stay with you tonight?” he asks getting up from the bed himself.

  “No, I think Sophie and I need a night to sort things out, thanks though.” I smile at him as I leave the room to find Sophie. After trying to hunt her down, I find out she’s already left so I head back to our room hoping she’s there.

  Someone joining me in my bed wakes me up.

  “Tuck?” I ask quietly.

  “No it’s me, I just got in. Sorry for what I said earlier, Brooke. I was tired and stressed. I shouldn’t have said what I did, it was wrong of me. Of course Tucker can still stay in our room if it helps you.”

  “It’s okay, he knows now; I told him everything earlier.”

  “You’ll be okay, but promise you won’t go back there?” she asks, quietly settling down next to me bed.

  “I promise. He wasn’t there today, just my mom,” I sigh “This is a hard time of year for us, but she didn’t even like my dad. She said that she couldn’t stand the sight of me. Said I look just like him,” I tell her quietly as sleep takes me once again.

  Seven

  “I had sex with your boyfriend last night.” I look up to see Beth staring at me with a smug smile on her face.

  “Who’s my boyfriend?” I ask truly confused.

  “Tucker,” she says turning to look at him, I follow her eyes and see he’s watching us both.

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” I say for what feels like the millionth time this week.

  “Sure. Everyone knows you are in love with him; he’s not in love with you though because he slept with me. So that shows you how much he cares.”

  “He can sleep with whomever he wants; we’re just friends. I wish people would start realising that that’s all we are. I’m getting bored with all the accusations now.”

  “Please, I’ve seen the way you look at him,” she says smugly.

  I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

  “What do you want Beth?” I ask, bored.

  “To let you know that no matter whom you love or whatever it is you call it. I will always be there, and they will always choose to have sex with me over you.”

  “Beth, really? Everyone knows how easy it is to get you in to bed.”

  “I can’t help it if men like me. Just like I couldn’t help it when Jason liked me when you were with him,” she says smugly again.

  “No honestly; it’s just because you are a guaranteed lay. The only problem is they do it because they know that you will definitely put out; where as it you do it because you are so insecure, that you need a cock inside you to feel something because without that, you’re empty, lonely, and pathetic. You feel unwanted and worthless. Problem is, you probably are.”

  I wasn’t expecting the slap. I don’t think I even realised it happened until I could taste the blood in my mouth as the cut on my lip is ripped back open from the force.

  “Did you feel anything then?” I ask her.

  I know I’m just encouraging her, but this girl really gets on my nerves.

  “You know what? It doesn’t matter what you think of me; but who’s the insecure one who walked around for months, hiding her body and not talking to anyone? It wasn’t me, that was you. The reason no one really wants you like they want me is because you’re so fucked up. Do you honestly think that I haven’t seen the way you have flinched away from people when they come too close, or when they touch you in a certain place, in a certain way? What’s the matter; bad childhood?” I narrow my eyes at her, getting a queasy feeling in my stomach not sure I can handle what she’s going to say next.

  I’m knocked aside when Tucker joins us looking nervous.

  “Brooke?” he asks looking between us both.

  I ignore him and stare at Beth waiting for her to continue; she learns over and whispers two words in my ear that knocks the breath out of me.

  “Daddy issues.”

  I’m not a violent person, after everything that has been done to me; I’ve learned that fighting back isn’t the answer. However, after hearing my dad being mentioned by the one person who will use it taunt me, this goes out the window. I pull my arm back to slap/punch her but its grabbed and before I know what’s happening, I’m being swirled around the dance floor. Once we’ve stopped, my arms are pulled up and around a neck. Looking up, I relax when I see I’m dancing with Todd.

  “She’s not worth it,” he assures me as his hands settle on my hips and we automatically move to the beat surrounding us.

  “I know. Normally I can just let it go, but she really gets on my nerves sometimes.”

  “What did she say to make you want to hit her?”

  “Nothing that’s important,” I shrug it off.

  “Happy Birthday by the way.”

  We settle into the dance and are silent for the longest time and unconsciously adapt our dancing to the songs. One of my favourite songs off all time comes on and I smile widely until I can see him looking around and back at me nervously; following his gaze, I can see that quite a few people are watching us.

  “You realise that by tomorrow morning your name will be added to the list of people I’ve supposedly had sex with, right?” I ask him, not sure how he will like being part of my ongoing rumour.

  “Meh…I’ve had worse things said about me,” he smiles down at me.

  “Well, it wouldn’t have been long until you were added to it regardless. I wonder what they will do when they run out of names to add to it?” I wonder aloud.

  “Can’t be easy, having everyone say these things about you,” he notes sympathetically.

  “Want to have some fun with it?” I ask feeling the earlier fight not forgotten, but wanting to take my mind off it.

  “What did you have in mind?” he asks smiling back at me.


  “Just work with me. I’m probably going to kiss you, which I haven’t done to any of the other people on my list, by the way, so our rumours might be extra special.” He just laughs and shakes his head at me as I press myself up closer to him; he picks it up straight away and starts moving his hips against mine. I block out everyone around us and don’t take my eyes from him as we continue dancing seductively. I move my hands up and thread my fingers through his hair, playing with the ends of it that rest on the back of his neck. He lowers his head down to mine the same time he moves his hands around until they meet at the bottom of my back at the same time our lips meet. Secretly the perfect timing of this move impresses me, making me smile when we pull apart.

  I look over his shoulder and see Tucker coming towards us frowning. When he catches my eye, I shake my head at him with a glare; he just stands there for a few minutes watching me.

  I tear my eyes away from his and look up at Todd, noting my expression, he smiles sympathetically at me.

  “Want to go? We can share a taxi?” I nod and he pulls me through the crowd towards the door.

  As I’m about to get into one of the waiting taxi’s, I hear my name being called. I turn to see Tucker stood at the door to the bar. “Wait!” he shouts, making his way over to us.

  “Don’t,” is all I reply, shaking my head at him and get into the taxi.

  I manage to hold it together for the journey home. Todd seems to understand that I don’t want to talk about it and tries to distract me by telling me stories of a few walks of shame he’s done in the past. It half works and he manages to get a few giggles out of me.

  As I walk through the door to my dorm, I feel the first tear fall down my cheek; I wipe it away as soon as I see Sophie and Matt sitting at the table drinking coffee.

  As I make my way towards the coffee machine, their conversation stops.

  “Your cousin’s an ass,” I say to the coffee machine, knowing that they’ll know straight away whom I’m talking about. They don’t say anything until I join them at the table.

  “What happened to your lip?” Sophie asks, making me remember the slap and the split lip I had forgotten about until now. I lift my fingers to my lip; it’s not sore, but then again I’ve had worse.

  “Beth,” is all I say and watch as Matt visibly winces.

  “I don’t understand. What’s she got to do with anything?” Sophie asks, looking between me and Matt. “She’s always been a bitch; she’s never hit you before though.”

  “Tucker,” Matt simply says, as if that explains everything.

  “I still don’t get it.”

  “Tucker slept with her last night. She came up and told me about it; made some comment about sleeping with Jason when I was with him and I told her, she has to have a cock inside to her feel something, otherwise she’s empty, lonely, pathetic, unwanted, and worthless.”

  “Ouch,” Sophie grimaces.

  “Yeah. She slapped me for that one.”

  “Still doesn’t explain why Tucker’s an ass though?” she questions.

  “Well after she slapped me I didn’t back down and then she got smug and…” I trail off, remembering the look on her face as she hit the nail right on the head without realising.

  “And …” Sophie prompts looking to Matt who just shrugs and turns to me expectantly.

  “I don’t know, she’s only targeting me because of him; she said I have daddy issues.”

  “Just ignore her, Brooke,” Matt advises.

  “I wish I could, but I reacted; she must know she’s on to something now.” I rub my forehead, frustrated at my lack of control.

  “What happened after she said all that to you?” Sophie asks warily.

  “I very nearly punched her; not sure why but Todd pulled me away from them both. Tucker tried to stop me leaving with him.”

  “Why would he try and stop you leaving with Todd?” Sophie asks, confused.

  “I kissed him,” I say quietly, hoping they won’t make a big deal out of it.

  “What?” Okay, so obviously she is going to make a big deal out of it.

  “We kissed. He pulled me away from them when I was about to hit her and started dancing with me to distract me. Everyone was staring and we were talking about how by tomorrow it would be going around that we had sex; so we decided to have a little fun with it and give them something to talk about. It’s no big deal, we’re just friends. Anyway, not long after the kiss, Tucker was storming over to us. But he must have guessed from the look I sent him, because he just stood there watching me. Todd picked up on it and we shared a taxi home.” I shrug and grab my phone that’s vibrating again. I look at the screen to see a bundle of missed calls and texts. All the missed calls are from Tucker and a few of the texts too.

  Tucker: Please pick up your phone

  Tucker: Just hear me out

  Todd: If you need to talk, I’m here

  Tucker: I’m sorry x

  “He texted you?” Sophie guesses, but it comes out like a question.

  “Yeah, he says he’s sorry and wants to talk to me.”

  “Are you going to talk to him?” Matt asks. the only reply he gets is a raised eyebrow from me and an ‘are you stupid’ look from Sophie. My phone beeps again.

  Beth: Didn’t daddy love you?

  I surprise myself with the noise that tears through my mouth; it’s a cross between a growl and a scream. Without thinking about it, I throw my phone at the wall. Sophie and Matt stare at me open mouthed.

  “Him?” Sophie asks quietly

  “Beth,” I grit out getting up and grabbing my jacket, a force of determination taking over me.

  “What are you doing?” she asks, looking nervously from me to Matt.

  “Something I should have done a hell of a long time ago.”

  “Brooke, no. Stay here.”

  “No.”

  “Then let me come with you,” she pleads.

  “No. You can’t fix me Soph, so stop fucking trying,” I snap as I run out of the dorm towards my car.

  I know I probably shouldn’t be driving right now after the few drinks I had earlier, but I’m pretty sure all the drama and betrayal has sobered me up completely. Gritting my teeth and not even bothering to look back, I head out to the one place I swore I would never visit alone again.

  I don’t even bother to turn the engine off as I jump out of the car and head up to the door; banging my fist on it so hard I tear the skin on my knuckles.

  “Open up, I’m here,” I shout at the door as I continue constantly banging on it. I’m just about to add a kick when it flies open and reveals my mom stood in her robe looking not happy at all. Well that’s good because I’m quite pissed off myself, I think as I barge past her into the house. I stop just before the stairs; my step dad is running down them dragging a top over his head. I start clapping my hands loudly.

  “Well, if it isn’t the man of the hour. Look I’ve got a split lip and it’s not even from you!” I point to the cut on my lip in-between claps.

  “What‘s going on Brooke?” Phin asks from the top of the stairs.

  “Go back to bed,” Sam says tightly to him, not taking his eyes from me.

  From the corner of my eye, I can see my mom making her way towards me. I turn my head just as she makes a grab for my ponytail. Without thinking about it and way past caring, I lift my arm and elbow her in the face making her stumble back.

  “You bitch,” she screeches.

  I watch dazed as Sam makes his way towards me with a slight smile tugging at his lips. “Oh, this is going to be interesting,” he says with a humourless laugh.

  I don’t really know what happens next and I can’t explain it. It’s as if a force has taken over me; he lunges towards me but I move out of the way making him bump into my mom, they stumble and land on the floor. I laugh and grab the first thing that’s within reach and heavy looking; I swing it and make contact with his side, making him grunt. I can feel the tears running down my face as I keep swinging the lamp. I�
�m vaguely aware of the bulb smashing and the lampshade crushing; I’m also aware that my mom is no longer on the floor next to him, but cowering by the sofa.

  “Brooke?” Phin’s worried voice breaks me out of my spell and I drop the lamp. Looking down at Sam who’s led on the floor in the fetal position; covered in glass and speckles of blood on his t-shirt from where I smashed the glass into his side. I shudder as a wave of sickness comes over me, and run back out to my car.

  Not realising where I’m headed, just trying to concentrate on the road through my tears, I pull up at the graveyard gate. I crawl out of the car and stumble over to my dad’s grave.

  As soon as I’m in front of it, I collapse and years of abuse, neglect, and bullying overtake me.

  Memories flash through my mind in a sort of twisted slide show; every slap, every kick, every punch, and every smile Sam ever sent my way.

  It switches to Sophie and Matt, but I’m not in this one. I watch amazed as all their moments of affection flash before my eyes, every hug, touch, and kiss.

  I curl over and watch as it switches again to me and Tucker; all the laughs, all the smiles, every joke, the nights on the sofa, the classes with the notes we send back and forth, the weekend away, him holding my hand in the car, him throwing me on his shoulders at the concert, then finally, him and Beth together; it ends with her slapping me at the bar and whispering my own secret nightmare back to me. I cry out a strangled scream and let the tears, pain and heartache overtake me.

  I’m woken by droplets hitting my face; I slowly pull my eyes open to see the sun is coming up. I’ve slept in a graveyard all night. I feel completely empty and drained both physically and emotionally.

  Warily, not sure I have the strength, I struggle to my legs, actually surprised that they work; apart from being a little stiff, I seem to be fine.

  Numbly, I drive back to the university and head to my room, ignoring the blatant stares I’m getting from the early risers around the car park and inside the building. As I walk past a window, I catch sight of my reflection and feel nothing. My hair has grass in it, I’m soaked through; my eyes are red and puffy from all the crying, my lip is swollen and there’s dried blood around it from where the cut must have started bleeding again at some point in the night, and I have dirt streaked across my face. My eyes look as empty as I feel. I lean towards the window to get a closer look; they no longer hold the shadows of my past, there isn’t an ounce of fear in them, no happiness and no determination or strength. If anything the only thing they hold is defeat.